Captain's Log: Cruise

For those of you who wanted to reminisce about the good ol Braddock dayz. So we go on this "young professionals" cruise last weekend. They use the word "young" and "professional" loosely. A man sat next to use during dinner who was about to celebrate his 50th birthday. He told us the same story 20 times and then it got to the point where we would finish his sentences and then he would say...."yeah, howd ya know?" We got there at 2pm and when we checked in, they gave our very coveted, "open bar card." Those dumb bastard lost lots of money on us. They didn't know what hit them. Yes, you heard right, an open bar for the entire cruise. The ship should have been called Gluttony of the Seas. It was just drink, eat, drink, eat pizza, drink, go to Atlantis, eat and then eat more pizza. So we arrive at our "stateroom" which should have been called mistakeroom. It was actually a 2 person room but since we were 3, they threw a small "cot-like" object on the floor and called it Veronica's bed. Lucky for us, she knew her place. So we head to the Lido deck or as they called it, the Libido Deck, for our first drink. Nothing like opening up with some champagne. This is where we met a man named Mike, or as he will soon be known, The Cruise Director. This guy knew the itinerary from second to second and would tell us what was going on all over the ship...every day. He had this radar and knew where we were and would find us to provide that days going ons. Yup...annoying. Coincidentally, he was the first person we saw when we arrived and somehow he was the last person we saw when we left. Like a herpetic lesion. So now its 4:00 and its time for the muster drill. So, we decide we are not going to go. But we're smart, so we take out the life vests from the closet and put them in the bathroom, where the 5 of us (we recruited our other friends on this genious idea)....hid. So muster drill on its way, our room was checked and we made it! So we thought. Then as if nothing, we started yapping and playing music and got busted. Out steward caught us, so we sent Veronica to the door. Poor thing, she already got the busted up bed and now we put her to take the rap for our little escapade. Great start to a great cruise!



Recap

• Wait Kelly..I have a t shirt you can borrow. Oh, nevermind, I don't think you're going to want to wear one of these: one is a gator's shirt, one says, "Elegantly Wasted," one says "Drinks Well With Others," and one says "Sleep Around."


• Is that what you had said?


• This is not Royal Carribbean, they do not give you a bag for your stuff, they give you one last look at your towel creature and send your ass on its way.

I am listening to the news this morning and am hearing the word "rehab." No, not the kind that you see running rampant on SoBe. Its shopping rehab for those who spend too much money. Look, in this day in age, if thats the worst you're doing, shop away.

Karma is a bitch

OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery and kidnapping yesterday....an exact 13 years to the day of his acquital in the killing of his wife and Ron Goldman. He is facing life in prison. That's the thing about justice, eventually, it happens.

Miami Spice is over but Oktoberfest has just begun. I am sure there will be some free beer and weiner schnitzel somewhere.

OK, so what are we doing, who are we meeting, what are we seeing, what are we eating?

Christy's Restaurant is celebrating their 30th birthday, which is not hard to imagine considering that everyone inside is like 130 years old.

YOLO (you only live once) yeah we know...cheesy. A new restaurant right on Las Olas in the heart of Fort Liquor Dale. The restaurant comes complete with a lounge that promises a chill vibe.

A new French restaurant has opened in the Grove, Le P'tit something. I don't have anything to say about it other than, there is likely to be a lot of Euro-wanna-beapeans there.

We are very excited to visit the new rooftop lounge at the Mayfair Hotel in the Grove. It has the typical cabanas and white curtains look but there is something new. Ninetendo Wii. Interesting concept. I guess the Grove is getting a complete makeover. This grown up makeover might run out the drunk UM students looking for a 25 cent beer night. Aww that sucks, those little guys sure do make the best rebound hookup.

As if TV couldn't get any worse. I mean, honestly, its like an insult to our intelligence at this point. Back from the old school, Beverly Hills High School that is. 9 0 two dumb hoes has reunited and is creating a new series. So whether you wanted to be popular like Kelly, a bitchy slut like Brenda, mofugly with a fucked up boob job like Dona, wanna be James Dean like Dylan, creater of the spike your bangs like Brandon, or just stupid like David, now is your chance. Because they are bringin it back! So I am sure they will have all the normal high school problems that those poor inner city kids from Compton have but they will do it with style. No doubt, there will be BMWs, Gucci's, Juicy, Ed Hardy, heart ache, and heart break. But we are in a new era now, so its gonna be all about drugs, anorexia, suicide, pregnancy and all that good stuff that faces teens everyday. Yup can't wait. I will be over here...on the edge of my seat.

To Do

The Uppereast Side Garden, a very intriguing little spot in the upper east side, is having a fabulous event on Saturday night. Its dinner and show, but it appears there will be food, music and putt putt! Break out your clubs cuz there's a giant clown head with your name on it. Ten bucks gets you free Grolsch and martini's!! 7244 Biscayne Blvd.

Shout Out

A very Happy Birthday to our favorite person, Miss Peyton Decker. She is always there when you need her, she manages the Kendall location of the freeloader hotel, she picks you up when you are down, she picks you up when you run out of gas, she is the most popular person in Dade County. She is the quarterback of our team, the ying that is our yang, the ebony that is our ivory, the peanut butter that is our jelly.
That being said....

Things not to do

Enter yourself in a dance contest knowing that your friends have cameras and cell phones with video. You will never live it down.

Remember people, no one is safe from the blog.

Recap

• Its gonna take more than a cheesy photo op to get the tall bitches out of their seat
• Yeah, this bag is from high school...T, you're not going to find your virginity in there.
• With music like this I gotta do the two step, but now and then I do the jacket flare

Casa Abreu

Even though Miami Spice is fully under way, the Restaurant at Casa Abreu is also serving up some specialties. The chef, Eddie, his fiance (my BF) Melissa, and his cool daughters, Katy and Yedesi, love to entertain. On a recent visit to the restaurant, kabobs were on the menu, along with some other surprises. The chef likes to start off with "wow" type appetizers. This time it was ceviche, one shrimp and one fish marinating in a tangy, spicy sauce with habanero peppers for an extra kick. The chef also served an appetizer of lightly grilled ham wrapped around a piece of toasted pineapple. It was a perfect blend of sweet and salty. Three types of kabobs were skewered, beef, chicken and sausage. The kabobs were separted by marinated vegetables and cooked up to perfection. The chef also likes to wow guests with interesting libations. On one occassion they served up a blend of amarreto and vodka topped with toasted coconut shavings. Beware: the chef enjoys "night caps" and often talks his guests in having a few. If you are a lightweight, don't do it. This is not a location of the Freeloader Hotel. The nearest location is in South Kendall but if you run out of gas along the way, the manager may come pick you up, 305.986.6582. Another time, chef and fiance cut down coconuts from their backyard and made pina coladas and froze the drink inside the coconut. It was served from the freezer with an umbrella and straw. We hear fiance has a coconut bra but we think only chef gets to see it. Casa Abreu is more than a restaurant, it is an entertainment complex. One a recent visit, fiance broke out an easy bake oven (thats right, old school) and we re-learned how to hula hoop. There are several games to choose from and last night, we even went on a field trip. Party City to be exact. You see, chef, fiance, cool daughters and myself are planning the next full moon party. We (the inner circle) planned the details of the menu, the amazing decorations and cocktails. If you would like to be part of the inner circle, and believe me you want to, you will have to bring 2 bottles of wine (we like beaujolais) and a "wow" type dish. Put away your cheap ass chips and salsa, the chef is from Mexico and this will offend him. He wants something exciting, something that makes him go...wow. This will allow you membership to the inner circle and perhaps even an invite to Casa Abreu for a carnival day.

The Spice is On!

Yes, its finally here. Miami Spice months. Last night we tried Prime Blue Grille in Downtown and all we have to say is that it was our culinary dream come true. As you recall, they were having their endless pour of featured wines to celebrate their one year anniversary. Which in miami years is like a century and a real reason to celebrate. Well, our very delightful waiter took us on a tour de wine, beginning with rose and ending with a dessert wine. (PS people, rose is not white zinfandel, I mean you don't see daisy dukes and country fried steak around do you?) This guy was serious too, he would get mad when the other wine pour people would come around and mess up his rotation. The wines got more full bodied as our bodies got more full. Their spice menu was fantastic and included fish, pasta and two steaks. Delightful waiter informed us that they change the spice menu often throughout the two months so new surprises are in store. The restaurant is beautiful and has indoor and outdoor seating with a hip hop happening bar. Don't think that you are cool enough to roll in without reservations, you know who you are Josh. It ain't Denny's. You will have to wait all leaned up on a pole starving your ass off. BTW, the lobster bisque has actual pieces of lobster, 8 pieces to be exact but word on the street is that you gotta get there early, the bitches be ordering it and it runs out. If they ever have this endless pours night again, we will let you know.

Across the street is an outdoor happening restaurant as well, Manny's. They have a champagne bottle the size of my car inside and the manager was super cool even though he was doing shots of wine. WTF? We will be revisiting soon, investigating and reporting back.

Put your bulletproof vests on, round up your homies and your AK 47 and head down to Bayfront Park tonight to catch some old skool rap. That's right, Nas, Tribe, Mos Def, Method Man, and my favs the pharcyde and what? De La 'Mo Fo' Soul in the house. You risk your life by going. If you have nothing to live for go. Personally, I wouldn't even drive on the highway near Bayfront tonight....stray bullets.

Recap

• The crypt keeper keeps stealing our glasses
• I asked for my steak well done, do I have to say charbroiled?
• Oh my god, you are in danger, do you need a donation?
• I'm the one who didn't drink in school, and I am the one who has a baby
• Keys disease, dont bring it back
• Your neck look ostrichy
• I stole these matches. You don't have to steal them, they give them away

Just in Time for Football Season!!!

You knew it was only a matter of time before my little slice of heaven made it on the blog. This is her new outfit. A picture can't quite capture its cuteness. Now we need to find a sports bar that allows dogs. Your suggestions are welcomed.

Last day of the month of the Julyer

Serendipity
Yeah, I bet you forgot about that section. Now, you're gonna have to scroll through the blog to see what that section is all about. (its about nothing)

On the topic of well drinks....what is a well drink? well, I wish I could get top shelf, well, I don't pay today, but I pay in the morning, well, I might as well, I mean its free. Well...no more. Don't do it people. Just say no.



Sad News. Fanucci's on Lincoln has closed its doors. They had the best ravioli I have ever had, this side of Italy, or, this side of the nearest Italian restaurant. They were like little pockets of deliciousness, with fresh ricotta cheese and spinach in a delicate pink sauce, not to heavy, not too light. Always right. Anyways, what I do not get is that no more than a hop, skip, and fried rice away is Kim's Chinese restaurant. The largest Chinese restaurant in dade county. It occupies some serious prime real estate on Lincoln Road. How does Kim stay opened? You know that its only her and her 5 relatives from China eating won ton soup everyday, yet Kim seems to be thriving. Maybe Kim's got some dumplings nobody knows about. Things that make you go hhhmmmmm.

Spotted in Miami

Gone are the days that you would drive by a seven eleven at 10pm and see all the tricked out rides parked in a row with their hoods up in a nascar style competition. It was an amazing display of testosterone, whose was bigger, louder, more powerful. Yeah, that's right, it reminds you of an ex boyfriend you used to go cruisin with, your hair all did up with dippidy do (or dippidy dont) with a curl all hugged up on your forehead, don't deny it. Denial....ain't just a river in Egypt. On a recent trip down the 836, I saw a lowered corolla, with, instead of a spoiler, a towel rack attached to the trunk of his car. Yup, who needs Exibit to come pimp your ride, just go to the nearest bed bath and beyond. Hey, A for effort man, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonaid.

I used to go to Hooligans like 10 years ago (you remember those days) and one night, while waiting in a long line out front, the door guys says...hey, a lowered red honda civic is being towed, and about 17 guys left the line to go check their ride. Gotta love the MIA

To Do:

Prime Blue Grille in Downtown is having a power lunch and power dinner for $23 and $36, which includes a bottomless pour of wine! Again, an establishment that does not know what they are getting themselves into. It is located on 315 South Biscayne Blvd.

Ovary Alert!!! There will be a denim sample sale this weekend at the Miami Beach Convention Center. Men, close your ears, we pay $200 for jeans. Levi's...that's yesterday's news. The jeans of today promise a J Ho ass and an Ana waistline. So, put down that skinny cow and run to SoBe. Its opened from noon to 7p on Sat and Sun.

Sadly, no recap. I have been working very diligently write, for school, not the blog, and have not been going out. Like I said, people, the recap section do not write itself. However, we did receive a funny video from our very own male BF D-Dog which I think ties in very neatly into today's theme. Enjoy.

UF # 1...once again

I know, I know, no blog for 3 days. But I can't, I am all blogged out. I have to write a paper for school and how would it look if I told my major professor that I have been blogging all this time and my literature review for dissertation is not done. Well, if I was getting another PhD, as in Player Hater Degree, I would be top of my class but I ain't.


Yup, us Gators already knew this, but for you common folk, it may be new news. We have been voted the #1 party school in the nation. I am sure this is not news to my parents as they pondered for the first three years if I was even going to graduate college, but yes, we have gotten our title. And we stand by it! If you recall and I am sure you do....my voice mail message of 2007...
"hi, you have reached Tania, alumni of the #1 football team in America and for the second year in a row, and the first time in sports history, the #1 basketball team in America. Then, the gator fight song played. Needless to say, people stopped leaving messages. So all you Gators, do the swamp chomp and re live the glory days of 5 cent margaritas at CJs, 50 cent pitchers at Purple Porpoise, 2.00 well drinks at Florida Theatre and amateur boxing Congo Craigs...yeah, I did it and got my ass kicked. Anything for a free bar tab right? But bring on the new college football season.

I heard on the news this AM that somewhere in Pheonix, they participate in a new type of marathon. Basically, the runners run a lap and are timed and then the stop at the bar and down a beer and are timed. So they run and drink, run and drink, run and drink, for 26 miles. The competition is the same because winners are based on best times, running and drinking. The finish line must one hell of a spectacle and I am sure there are several videos that have already ended up on you-tube. I think here in Miami we participate in a similar type of marathon....just, we skip the running.

We are taking donations to buy our boy BF Damian a new flask. Without it, it is just water and cubes or cubes and coke. We want to spring for one that is specially made for his dimensions. Like a tailor made suit, that ain't cheap. So please send your donations to http://www.iamacrazydrunk.com/.

Word Up
Ana: This girl Ana...as in ana-rexia is the skinny bitch that walks by wearing all bones, no skin. She is likely on the south beach diet, cocaine and alcohol, and when she walks by, you want to tell her to eat a sandwich. Poor Ana, somebody throw a bone some snacks.

To Do:

Miami Spice is starting up on Friday and yours truly will be posting the week's top picks and I will include their menu on the blog so its one stop shopping.

Gotta love the Bar on Ponce and Giralda. Where is it you may ask? On Ponce and Giralda. They are having shot night tomorrow night, where its $2 Cuervo and Jager all night. Not sure if that Jager comes with the bomb, but I say...spring for the bomb!


Disclaimer: No one is safe from the blog, anything you say and do, or said and did, or I thought you done, can and will be used against you. So clear those skeleton's out of the closet or at least make friends with them. You know who you are.

We here at Haute-In-The-City would like you to know that you can dress us up and take us out or we can kick it laid back local style where, when you order wine, its all about picking a color: red, white or pink. Maybe even bubbles. On a recent reunion with some old friends from college, this was the scene. We ordered a bottle of wine and our witty waitress (and sister of one of our guests), brings us frosty beer mugs and says they ran out of wine glasses. The shocked look on our faces prompted her to take the mugs and bring us their shot glasses for our wine instead. Mental Note: Do not have a shot at Flannigans, their shots glasses are like 6 ounces. Then, just to push the envelope just a little more, I ordered a wine chiller. Shes says...guess what? We ran out of wine chillers but this works (above left). The best part about our waitress is that she would come up with all of these solutions and really did not give a shit about our reaction. It was like this ain't burger king, you don't get it your way, you get it my way. So we drank, we laughed, we reminisced, we ate philly cheesesteaks (no 3 on the list), and midway throughout meal....witty waitress come over and says I brought you out of the trailer park and with six wine glasses in tow and an actual wine chiller, she brought another bottle of wine. While we were having our fun, the table next to us was having no fun, their food was late blah blah. Witty waitress goes over and says her usual comment when accosted by a customer: "I don't go to your job and be rude, so don't come to my job and be rude. I will bring you a waitress that will be just as rude...la cubanita...Maria, she'll be like yo, wassup." Needless to say, our little adventure was one of the funnest nights we've had and it was a much needed reunion with our college buds.


Word Up Freeloader Hotel


The Freeloader Hotel is the convenient place where everyone crashes when they don't want to go home. Not to be confused with the Freelove Hotel where your botty call crashes. Anyways, lets establish some rules for the Freeloader Hotel:

1. Check out is at 11am
2. Do not ask for things like, juice or food or snacks. If you didn't bring it, we ain't got it.
3. If the manager allows you to take a shower at the Freeloader Hotel, please do not use this time to wash your 2000 parts with all of her products. This is not the time to deep condition your hair, put on a cleansing facial mask or push back your cuticles. We know that the products are exciting and there are many of them, but they don't buy themselves.
4. You will likely be asked to walk the guard dog of the freeloader hotel in the morning so her leash is on the wall near the door. And don't skimp, she likes to go all the way around the block.
5. Should you be bold and try to cook something you scraped up in the middle of the night, be sure not to leave any traces of sauce or crumbs or cheese in the kitchen. This angers the manager.

Word on the street is that other locations of the Freeloader Hotel offer more amenities such as gourmet food and drink. I hear the manager at the Kendall location cooks three course meals and makes breakfast and always has wine available. She also offers fresh sheets and towels. Such is not the case at the SoBe location.

Recap

• I am like a 1969 Chevy Camaro, once I get warmed up I am ready to go.
• How old were you when you swam, I mean left, Cuba?
• I know, I know, you want me to be a girl.
• I live in Westchester, its like high class Hialeah. Not like Miami Lakes, just because your address says west, you're still in Hialeah.
• New use for the RA condom, put a fish in it and hang it from your rear view mirror.
• I can see the match.com ad now, must love hair streaks and wine.
• GU. Is that like G-Unit? No, its geographically undesireable.
• The pin on her dress goes from work time (up here) to Pacific time (down here).

Spotted in Miami

A lady walking down SoBe with one of those airbrushed t-shirts that you buy at the youth fair with her name in hot pink and a palm tree in the background. That's not all folks, it was bedazzled with rinestones. She completed the look together with mom shorts that went up to her rib cage. Clearly...a tourist from one of the square states. Ahhh yeah.

To Do This Week:

The Astor Hotel's swank restaurant, Joley, has started a happy hour from 5-8pm Monday through Friday. They are serving up their signature cocktails 2-4-1. 956 Washington Ave.

Gen Art is hosting a pre screening of the movie Transsiberian at South Beach Regal Cinema on Tuesday night. The cost is $15.00 if you are not a member. The after party is at our very fav spot, Purdy Lounge with free drinks. Gen Art has always had cool events around town and the crowd is very ecclectic so check it out.

On Thursday at La Cuisine Gourmet, 50 Aragon Ave, two chefs from Cacao and Flemings have a beef throwdown. Not sure if we get to eat the food afterwards but it should be exciting. Suggested donation of 15.00 goes towards charity.

T-6 days to Miami Spice

To Do:
You have an hour to get there but Azul has special on Friday's from noon to 3pm. Yes, noon. Its a bottomless pour of wine for only $20.00. They just don't know what they're getting into, I think they may lose money on us. So for all you independently wealthy people out there, who ain't got no job and ain't got shit to do, have some wine.

Christabelle's Quarter is continuing with their Friday night wine tasting with wine expert (say's who) Barry Alberts 7-9:30p for $15.00. If you have not been to Christabelle's, you have to go, it is the most beautiful restaurant (except for Karu and Y...we miss you) we have seen. Its modeled after restaurants in the French Quarter in cajun town and the decor is out of this world. Sadly, I give it like one more minute to stay opened. Its was very expensive to create and you can't sell enough crawfish in the Grove to pay those bills.



You may be asking yourself who's number one on the philly cheesesteak list now? Its LA Bar in Kendall, the old College Park Inn spot. Yes, right next door to Hungry Bear. Takes us back to the Killian days...2 good 2 be 4 gotten. The owner is from philly and the food is excellent. On Thursday nights, which is Biker night, by the way....we take it over and the DJ spins tracks from Hot Wheels days, that's right P.L.A.Y You may even have the pleasure of witnessing our very own Alex performing the backward skate. Needless to say, the bikers hop on their choppers and ride on out.

Shout Out

Our male BF, Damian but you can call me Bad Ass, is having a post CPA exam celebratory soiree at Dolores but you can call me Lolita tonight. Bring your flask.

If you ever run out of gas...yeah I know you're thinking...who runs out of gas these days, I mean there's a warning light and everything. Anyways, I repeat if you ever run out of gas, call a fabulous Miss Peyton Decker, 305.9866250. She will pick you up anytime day or night and she will do it with a smile. We're not mentioning any names, Veronica, but you know who you are. If only your car can send you a text message or an IM when its low on gas, then you would know.

Word Up

TUI That ill fated text to an ex or botty call that you talked yourself into at 3 in the morning after a few cocktails. Don't do it, we're patrolling the streets. Friends don't let friends text drunk. And remember the rules, any call after 11pm is a botty call. Men, take note. I am not mentioning any names, Keith, but you know who you are.

Karma

Today's topic is Honesty....
"Every violation of truth is not only a sort of suicide in the liar, but is a stab at the health of human society."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves."
-Walter Anderson

In other words...don't be a Julyer. Yes I know, the word is worn out on the blog but we are in the month so suck it up.

Two posts in 12 hours, you lucky dogs

Recap
Today's recap is dedicated to my BF from elementary school and the funniest gal I know. Here we are in like 6th grade, yes I know...no need to comment.

• Did you see that lady with rollers in her hair. You never see that on SoBe, that's more Hialeah....Girl, she don't need to dress up, she got a man. Gustavo is waiting for her at home on the couch...granted he waits for her on a couch covered in plastic but he's waiting
• I just dropped off my burrito
• No we got your mama's so dumb, your mama's so poor, so your mama aint goin nowhere
• And my very favorite....she said this in response to a previous post about the girl who said her dress was worn by Lindsey Lohan....Well, this is from Abercrome and Fitch worn by Maria Rodriguez at the movie theatre, 7:15 showing.

There has been much talk about the show that has finally arrived in Miami, Slava's Snow Show. Its been touted as a cross between Cirque du Soleil and Blue Man Group and promises to bring tons of snow to the MIA. The only time we see snow is Saturday night in south beach. Sounds interesting. Tix are about 55.00 and it runs through August 17 at the Adrienne Arsht Center.

New Section Word Up


This section will be devoted to words that we have made up over the years or heard someone else say that have been incorporated into our everyday language.

sorostitute: a delta delta delta girl who finds herself doing the walk of shame from the sigma chi, delta chi and pike house most days of the week.

Por Fin received a great write up in the miami herald recently, which we are very happy about especially since the herald is often wrong. Por Fin, finally, opened in Coral Gables and the restaurant is in a very open space with an upstairs bar area perfect for office parties. We tried their Miami Spice preview which consisited of the best tuna tartare since Morton's. The tuna chopped neatly into tiny squares and it mingles with tiny pieces of avocado surrounded my mango, yes mango. The braised short ribs out of this world as well. Even though they are boneless, they are finger lickin good. They are accompanied by a thin potato puree and a few potato crisps. 2500 Ponce de Leon Blvd.

Speaking of Miami Spice, get your wallets, your liver, and your waistline ready. It starts in T-7 days! There are tons of participating restaurants this year, gotta love the economy. The following rules will make for a successful spice season.


1. Don't bother going to any affordable places (like Chispa or Rosa Mexicana) , the key is to like a queen on the cheap.


2. Be sure to go the old reliables like China Grill, Capital Grille, Smith and Wo's (they added dinner this year), Ortanique, Baleen and the Forge. Skip Azul. People are bitchy and you have to eat somewhere else afterwards.


3. Give the 18 year old skinny, cracked out hostess a dirty look when she rolls her eyes as you ask for the spice menu. It was their choice to partipate and now we are participating.


4. Don't think you're gonna roll up lookin all fly wearin shell toes with your $36.00 in tow and no reservations on a saturday night. Ain't gonna happen. Beware: ladies, if you meet a guy who only wants to go to a miami spice restaurant...for lunch...run!


5. Tip well, it should be based on the regular price of the meal. The wait staff probably hates spice month, lets not make them homeless.

http://www.ilovemiamispice.com/

Bon Qui Qui

OK I can't take it, my BF Kelly sent this to me. Today is all about this video...in keeping up with the ghetto theme that seems to be emerging. Put up the speakers and be discreet, we do not need anybody getting fired over the blog. This blog does not supply unemployment (just a disclaimer). Enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iKU3aHd7CFA&feature=related

BTW, she will be performing at the Improv this weekend, through Sunday.
http://www.symfonee.com/improv/miami/comedians/Bio.aspx?Uid=a59a3c8f-5c5d-440b-989b-5f9cea635483

OK, so listen up. I do not wish to receive any phone calls asking "why haven't you posted anything yet." I can't take it, just kidding I love it. Glad to hear you are enjoying my rants and raves. Today, is going to be short, I am awaiting some very pivotal photographs to upload before I can write about my main topic. Without the pics it would like be like the peanut butter but no jelly, like the ham but no burger, like the kool-aid but no sugar.

Activity of the week

Don’t go out on Saturday night. Feel so fresh and so clean on Sunday. Take a long walk around SoBe especially near the Grand Fiasco (Grand Flamingo) and try to pick out those people wearing last night’s clothes. Some are doing the walk of shame, some are just out still partying. Either way, ain't no shame in their game, they are living loud and proud in their clear heels and short skirts and jacked up mascara. What a sight! Its best to do this exercise with another person. Make it a competition. It’s all in good fun, we’ve all been one of those people at some point. Those that are on their way home from the club one morning and see people jogging and going to church and you feel like a complete degenerate. But now that we’re not in that predicament, we can point out those who are. Its a full circle.

Shout Out Corner

Happy Birthday to our friend Spring, she is fabulous and gives us inspiration to live in the moment and treat yourself right. We love you.

Good luck to our very fav new BF, D-dog, on your CPA exam. When ya gonna take it man? Its party time.

Congrats to Vanessa on mastering the art of accounting.

Spotted In Miami

Julyer license plate. If anybody sees this on the street, take a picture. Better yet, crash into him and bring him to us. There are many questions to be asked.

New Section Karma
This section will be devoted to inspirational messages to quench that inner quest for spirituality in your life. No people, its not all about happy hour and events and having fun and cool clothes. There is more. What? you may ask, well, its about connecting with yourself and others. This new section will provide genious and thoughtful insight on things that make you go hhhhmmmmm.....Enjoy and as spoken by our fav 954 resident.....may your ying meet your yang.

We start with my favorite quote:

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow and learn as if you were to live for ever"

-Yoda (just kidding), it was Ghandi, the real Yoda

Now a moment of deep breathing and .......om!

Yup, another day.

We start today with WTF is this? Why would you need a canoe on top of your car at 7pm at night, 30 miles from the water? People don't strap your hobbies to the top of your car when not in use, I mean you don't see me with gourmet food and wine taped on to the top of my 4 Runner.

Its a lazy Sunday....

....I am examining my captain’s log from this weekend. I have received favorable feedback about the blog thus far. I added a subscribe link on the side so I don’t have to forward it to 30 people each time. You know you wanna…just click it. Add me to your inbox.

To Do List
Run run run, do not walk to Pacific Time. The restaurant occupies the old District space, which if you remember has a spacious inside and outside area. The restaurant is absolutely beautiful complete with an open kitchen and chic bar area. Service: impeccable. Food: unbelievable. Bartenders: on top of their game. Its perfect for those of you who have ADD (my current affliction) because the menu has a “small plates” section where you can order up one of everything in case you can’t make up your mind. The sweet and sour shrimp is a new take on the rock shrimp idea but lighter and fluffier, a pillow if you will. And it swims not sinks in a lovely spicy sauce with a whisper of tang and teriyaki. And as you recall from a previous post, our very fav from Purdy, Ben, is the GM. He greets you at the door wearing a suit, lookin all stylish and wonders…wow…I haven’t seen these girls at 9pm in my whole life. Ah, yes we miss you at Purdy but wish you all the best success at your new jaunt (that’s French for joint I think). We will be visiting again for happy hour very soon.

The Ganesvoort Hotel was certainly a site last night. There was one of everybody at the Brazilian event. The rooftop bar is a great, chill place to hangout and the breeze makes those hot Miami nights a bit more tolerable. Word on the street is that the cabanas that line the perimeter of the pool are not for sale (read: $500 liqour bottles) and are actually on a first come, first serve basis. Set up camp early people. And its especially interesting late night when the tourists from the square states who are staying at the hotel are wasted and wanting to mingle. They haven't been up at 3am in their whole life. They are used to the familiar "last call" which we we here in MIA have never ever heard. For those of you who have never heard it, its the moment right about 1:45am when the bartender screams, last call and everyone scrambles to the bar to get the one last cocktail that takes them on the bridge from normality to abnormality. But wait, it gets better, they turn on the lights. Thats the moment when you scream because the person you are talking to looks nothing like you imagined. Then....here and there you do run into a local hot Italian talking about ravioli and it makes the whole evening worth it. Beware: the valet is a Julyer. They say its $16.00 for an event but they mean that they are going to charge you $25.00 when you pick up your car. We here at haute-in-the-city are going to put that in the file. Julyers.

For those of you who do not know what July is, its our new favorite word. Its Mexican ebonics for a liar. I will use it in a sentence: You said you were going to the grocery store to buy some beans, but July, Julyer.

OK lets talk what’s on the menu for this week. Your blogger needs to take a break from going out because although she does do it a lot, it is not her full time job. And although the blog has become her passion, it don’t pay the bills. So, I will guide you on your week’s events but don’t expect me to be there. But please, please please send me anything exciting that occurs. We need material for the “recap” section. That section don’t write itself you know.

Let’s get this party started right…..lets get this party started quickly….right

Monday

Yup, how better to stave off the weekday blues then to hit it up for half off cocktails at the Biltmore Hotel. The party starts at 6p. And what a better way to start off the week, poolside at a hotel where everyone kisses your ass.

Mercedes Benz Fashion Show is going on with parties all over the beach. Again…anorexic bitches in bikinis and no free drinks. Skip it unless someone invites you.

Reggae night at Purdy. This is the only place in SoBe that has a great live reggae band. If you can stay up until 11pm to watch them, its worth it. I think there's a special on Red Stripes and blunts all night.

Recap

Today’s recap section is very extensive. There have been many goings ons that have required me to catalog and write about. Here goes, lets start off with the simple.

• Y’all (nuff said)
• My bra-cket is sweating
• Joe get out your navigation pack and smell us out of here
• Yoda? Wait that question was on my test. Oh yeah I heard about yoda….he’s like the Dalai Lama. Um no, he’s like the 200 year old midget from Star Wars
• Here comes trouble…Yes, I took in the crack addict
• Is this your wedding dress? No this is the dress Lindsey Lohan wore to a premier, its Jill Stuart. Yeah, this guy will buy me a white dress but he won’t marry me (champagne bottle pops…he’s like, that’s right bitch). Blogger’s note: You shouldn’t name drop Lindsey Loho, not her dress, not her lifestyle, nothing. Save it for the pro’s: People Mag.
• I love Jake Jyllenhall. He plays the piano nice. But man, first you see him in Jarhead and then he’s a gay cowboy.
• People…anything you say can and will be used on the blog.
• Joe stop it, no other joe
• Am I going to have to be a pearl picker upper?
• That sink sounds like that one guy……rrrrrooooar. From star wars..Chewbaka?
• I thought you looked especially bootylicious today
  

Its Friday, I ain't got no job (but I do) I ain't got shit to do (but I do)

OK people, another successful week in Miami. Gotta love it.

RA Sushi has opened in South Miami. It sucks, don't go. Just kidding, its awesome, go. But don't tell the rif raf. We don't want any chongas, papi chulos, and daisy duke wearin white trash to invade. Ladies beware: if a guy pulls out a condom that comes in a matchbook cover and reads "its more fun in the RA" stay away. That condom is very small and it means he's cheap. That is no fun.

Recap

• you want a cigarette...you better be coming home with me


• you always gotta look good on a bad day
• Are you coming to dinner tonight?
• Do you like me because I like you?
• Alas, I tried the lobster roll

Serendipity

Lucky Mutt For those of you who have dogs from the street (like me) and would like to retain their ghetto fabulousness, listen up. Snoop dog has redirected his efforts from smokin blunts to making dog toys. Yes, our very favorite lanky, corn row totin, compton gansta of rap has now branded his name to dogg toys. You can choose from boom box (see above), headphones, doberman, canvas sneaker with fat laces and a football. And the best part...the boom box plays a song. You know you know it: bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yah. I mean what more can a mutt ask for? Corn rows perhaps?

PS Google reports the top 4 key word searches in Miami are: Fidel, Cuba, kosher and sunblock. hhhmmmmm perhaps they should be: breast implants, the walk of shame, the south beach diet and heat. Gainesville's top words: pot, organic. Sounds about right. Tallahassee's top words: football (yeah right, not last year) and suicide. Sounds about right.

Key Largo Food and Wine Festival
As if the keys dwellers needed another excuse to drink, they have created their own wine festival. I mean honestly, the keys and the airport is the only socially acceptable place to drink at 9am. Events are from August 1-9th and run all day at various locations. Not sure if they plan to have a drunk shuttle to haul those with "keys disease" around the island. If anyone is interested in going, please sign up at http://www.iamacrazydrunk.com/

http://www.fkrm.com/foodandwine/

Area chefs will be battling it out for the Iron Fork Award. I guess thats like the Oscars for chefs. Anyways, while they battle we get to enjoy samples of food for 20 area restaurants and enjoying an open bar. The event is on September 10th from 6-10pm and only $20. Location: TBA

Day 2

OK, so now I am obsessed...today's blog promises new sections and new news.

What's Happening in the Design District?

Pacific Time has relocated from Lincoln Road to 35 N.E. 40 Street in the Design District. The chef/owner is Johnathon Eissman has redesigned the menu with Pan/Asian and Contemporary American cuisine. Happy Hour is 4-7pm M-F with drink specials and bar snacks. For those of you who frequent Purdy, you should see a familar (and good looking) face...its our very own Ben. He is now the GM, give him a shout out. http://www.pacifictimemiami.com/

Brosia is the reminiscent of Nikki Beach without the sand. If you can tolerate the heat right now, sit outside under the huge oak trees on a couch and order up the braised rib empanadas with goat cheese and fig jam. Beware ladies: do not talk and especially, do not give your phone number to a charming chap from England who claims he is an opera singer. 163 NE 39th St

Domo Japonese also opened in the Design District although I haven't heard much about it yet. I did step inside once and the location is beautiful and the cuisine is (as the name implies) Japonese. 4000 NE 2 Avenue

New Section Recap
Recap is devoted to quotes from all the lovely people that are out and about. We will not reveal names, you know who you are.

• I'll fix my ADD if you can stick to one hair color
• She's the quarterback of my team. Yeah, but I'm the coach
• Three bitches, one brain cell
• The 305 bump
• I used to sell stuff in college
• I think they're getting t-shirts made...dude you're the best
• Captain's Log: I finally escaped the National

Happy Hour

Score has a daily happy hour from 4-8 with $3 drinks. Yes, we know, its a gay bar but the music is slammin and the vibe is great and no pretentious freaks hitting on you. Plus, who knows you may score a gay BF. Oh, and they do karaoke on Sundays. You may not want to sing "its raining men" or "girls just wanna have fun"...it might upset the queens.

New Section Serendipity

This section will be devoted random exciting things. Sort of a miscallaneous category if you will. I may change the name later, but I do love that word...it means by chance.

Last night we saw a great band play at Blue Martini. They were called Jean and are signed by Sony. And no, its not because he is Puerto Rican (of my people), or because he had a gold charm of the island hanging from his neck or because he played the song "American Girl" and changed the words to be Puerto Rican girl, its because they rocked.

Name that movie ....he says shut the f-ck up, I be quiet, but when he leaves I be talkin again

Welcome to Haute in The City

For my inaugural message
I know what you're thinking....I must be dreaming. There is finally a post on Tania's blog. Yes, well wake up! Its here.

On my to do list this week

1. Free champagne and RA sushi on Thursday. Get it while its hot ladies....free stuff always runs out, or we run it out.

2. Friday, July 18 from 6 to 9 p.m. Hollywood's waterfront lounge, Lava Tiki Bar & Grille, is having a VIP launch party.
Crowne Plaza Hollywood Beach
On the Intracoastal at Hallandale Beach Boulevard
4000 South Ocean Drive, Hollywood
954-923-0126

3. Ganesvoort South is starting a summer Brazilian series featuring fresh fruit caipirinhas (read: free) and goodie bags from Havainas. Yup it sounds too good to be true, but it starts at 10pm on Saturday night. I have RSVP'd for 2.

4. There is also a swimsuit fashion show at the Setai on Saturday night at 9:30pm. The invites reads "cocktail reception." That's code for probably not free...we don't want to take any chances. Plus, who wants to see anarexic bitches in bikinis with no free drinks included. They should pay us to go.